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Reflecting the joy of the Lord

Back in college I had early morning softball practice. It was a lot of lifting and other exercise for the most part to get us in shape for the upcoming season. Well, at some point later in the year, I remember one of the girls commenting on how I was always really happy and awake at these practices. Let me tell you how much I hate mornings. I still don't like getting out of bed before 10 o'clock. These practices were at like 6:00 or 6:30 am, not a fun time for me, and probably not a fun time for most of the other girls either. I would actually get up close to an hour before these workouts because I also have a sensitive stomach that does not appreciate me not supplying it with food on a regular basis, so I had usually gotten my cranky out by the time I got down to the field house for workouts. Nonetheless, I was taken aback when my bubbly, happy demeanor in the mornings was what one of my teammates remembered about me from the year.

Now, my husband is impressed with how I seem to find ease in conversing with people I don't know and learning about their lives, their hurts and their triumphs. But on the other side of things, I feel to some degree like I am a shadow of who I was in those early mornings. It wasn't just that one teammate that commented on me having a happy personality, it was a common occurrence in those days. The irony is that now I am more fulfilled, joyful, and less angry than I was then, but I think I actually present as though the opposite is true.

I don't believe I was trying to deceive others or myself by putting on a show in high school and college or that I'm trying to do that now, but I can't really tell you why it is that I seem to behave the exact opposite of how blessed I feel. Such an odd thing to reflect on and I had never given it a lot of thought until tonight, but self-reflection can be revealing and I look forward to what this may reveal. I certainly know I demand a lot of myself and I have always been very critical of myself. It can be a blessing and a curse.

If you know me, please know that I am so happy and blessed. God has given me an amazing husband and three wonderful girls. I live in a country where I can freely worship Yahweh, I get to stay home with girls, watch them grow, spend all my husband's days off with him and our girls, stay up late, sleep in, play my guitar, trumpet and drums, go to Mariners' games and workout. These are some of my favorite things. Yet I feel like when I talk to people I sound apathetic compared to my old self, or accusatory in some situations when I don't intend to be. Perhaps some of this can be linked to my issues with voice inflection, I almost always sound sarcastic when I am going for serious and vice-versa, but I'm not sure. Or maybe it is that I am trying to tip-toe around in this adult world where I am supposed to have tact that I don't really possess. I think I may have a couple years left on my lease of tact, but I haven't signed the papers to buy it yet.

The important take away from this, is I want others to be able to see my joy because I want the joy that I have to point others to God, but I'm not sure that that's the case right now.

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